Ever since a little kid, I have grown up under strict rules and regulations. I obide them, I rebelled them. You know, little kid stuff that does things when they grow up, right?
We face fears, we conquer them. It’s a way of living too. Not this kid, oh no.
This kid – me – did rebelled, did obide, but fear is something that stuck with since he knows what kind of consequences could play out, with a designated doomsday scenario.
That kind of quirk is something I still cope with, and I do try to make use of it to put it in a more positive daylight – which in the end does work – so I can prevent it from happening. It was a smart resolve, in my opinion.
But that didn’t last too long. There were scenarios beyond my comprehension at times and it mostly didn’t end well for me back then. Since only then, fear grew on to me, clinged onto me like a leech does to sucking blood.
This still applies to modern day. Though there are many forms of anxiety, this one specifically forms whenever I want to do something new and I don’t have a “net” to fall into when it goes wrong, y’see?
Take, for example, applying for a job: I see the job I like, it requires the stuff I have studied for and everything I need, and it pays well in return, plus it is in my city as well!
Then why is it so hard for me to apply? I haven’t even filled in the damn application form to send it out to them and I’m already freaking out! I don’t want to have this, I never asked for this in the first place, but yet here I am, in the early Friday morning with still an empty form in front of my face!
It’s not fair, you know? In all other things I am outgoing and friendly as much as I can possibly be, but when it comes to this kind of shit, I instantly shut down and stop in a screeching stand still!
I hate myself for that reason. I want to be more out there, but in such a way it’s not in anyone’s faces. Not just a shadow of someone else or the wind to someone’s body…
Ranting aside, the point is that anxiety sucks and I have to deal with it…